Reconnecting
by Devereauxpoi
Summary: On the two year anniversary of first meeting, John and Joss attempt to get their fragile relationship back on track. They finally open up about the many secrets and misunderstandings that have hovered over them from the very beginning. I've been sitting on this fic for awhile and finally decided that with Carter's return this week it might be a good time to post.


**A/N…I've always felt that the show completely dropped the ball with John and Joss's relationship after the Rikers Arc. There were so many loose ends that needed to be tied up and something obviously changed with them between God Mode and Liberty. They seemed to have a better understanding and much deeper feelings for each other but we never saw why. I thought the anniversary of when they first met could be a fun opportunity for John to reach out and try to get them back on track. I realize that the pilot aired September 22, 2013 but in my fic I'm changing the date to August 22nd. It made more sense to me if this took place a month prior to season three rather than a week. Thanks for reading!**

**August 22, 2013**

Joss Carter slowly moved her tired body through the parking lot of the 8th precinct, dreading the start of her long shift. Exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally, work was the last place she wanted to be. It was a beautiful warm sunny day, the lack of humidity a rarity in the normally sweltering New York City, but she had too much on her mind to notice. In the last six months, almost everything in her life as she knew it had changed and she felt, at times, that she was barely holding it all together.

Joss knew it wasn't just her life that had changed, but more alarmingly, it was herself. When she embarked on her fight to bring down HR, she could never have anticipated the choices and actions she would be forced to make. She had risked her life many times for John and Harold and jeopardized her job on a near daily basis. She never approved of their illegal activities and was guilty of many herself, but she reasoned that the end always justified the means as long as no one was getting hurt. Whether saving an innocent stranger or helping John elude the ever persistent Snow and Donnelly, she was always able to sleep soundly at night. However, when she stood alone that cold night in Oyster Bay, digging up Stills's body to help Fusco elude HR's wrath, she was acutely aware that this time it was different. A few weeks later, as she ambushed Terney and Yogorov in the woods, saving the unscrupulous life of Elias and secretly putting him into hiding, something inside her snapped.

The realization that she had crossed the line, that proverbial line she had always so adamantly and fervently scorned, crushed her soul. For months she struggled with the sudden awareness that the world wasn't exactly how she had always deemed it to be. It wasn't black and white, good versus bad. Sometimes good people had to do bad things for the right reasons. It was a simple truth that deep down she had always known. John had taught her that.

Building her case against HR had completely taken over her life and she was still reeling from her demotion to a patrol officer, the reality of which had yet to truly sink in. As the summer progressed and she continued to dive dangerously deeper into her quest for justice, her confidence and determination never wavered. The reaches of HR had turned out to be greater than she had initially realized, however, leaving her feeling at times lost and alone. There was no one to turn to, no one to trust. She refused to involve anyone close to her, especially John; this was a battle she alone had waged. However, there were times where she would have given anything to have someone to lean on, a shoulder to rest her weary head.

Fearing for Taylor's safety, Joss had hesitantly sent him to stay indefinitely with Paul. She knew he was in good hands, Paul had certainly worked on turning his life around in recent years, but she missed Taylor terribly and felt guilty for pulling him into her chaotic world. He was living with Paul in New Jersey and she hated herself for uprooting him from the school he loved and all his friends. Their contact in recent weeks had been relegated to phone calls. She was happy to see her son have an opportunity to reconnect with his father but her heart ached when she returned each night to her desolate apartment. As she sat alone, she would give anything to hear him slamming doors and playing his music too high once again. The silence only exacerbated her loneliness.

Then there was John. A lack of John was more like it. He and Harold continued to contact her for help on their cases but the relationship she and John had developed, the close connection they had formed, had all but disintegrated. He would still check in on her, would offer to help with HR, but there was a distance now between them that they just couldn't cover. There were so many questions she had for him, conversations that needed to be had, issues and feelings that needed to be addressed and resolved. Together they had constructed a silent wall between them, a barrier which Joss doubted they could ever scale.

She had long considered him more than just a friend; her feelings for him ran deep and complex. As hard as she fought it, the attraction she felt for him had only intensified over time.

She tried to reason with it. Life with an off-the-grid ex-CIA vigilante held no promise of a future.

She tried to run from it. Dating the stable and predictable Cal Beecher was a safer alternative.

But she craved John like a drug. Nothing and no one could satisfy her, make up for him or take his place. Her need for him made his absence all the more harder. John had warmed her heart and soul in so many ways and, now more than ever, she needed that man back in her life. She knew he wasn't entirely to blame, though. She had been doing her fair share of avoiding him lately too.

Joss headed towards the steps in front of the precinct, needing to change into her uniform before heading out with her latest partner in their police cruiser. It was eleven a.m. on a Sunday and she was still bleary eyed from staking out an HR meeting the night before out in the Rockaways. She was getting closer to gathering all the information she needed to take them down, photos and files that would put most of them away for a very long time, but she had yet to figure out who the ringleader was. Joss wasn't going to stop until she knew they'd been completely eliminated once and for all, but the non-stop stakeouts on top of her day job were wearing her out and taking its toll.

Half-way up the stairs in front of the precinct, Fusco came walking down briskly and stopped in front of her, cutting her off and nearly knocking her over.

"Hey Carter, we've got a guy down in interrogation that the captain wants you to talk to. He was picked up by the 41st this morning for that drive by in Hunts Point last week. Looks like it might be the same guy we were looking for in the murder of Angel Caceres back in the spring."

"You forget something, Fusco? Not my problem anymore, remember? I'm gonna go grab a donut and a coffee before I go bust someone for jaywalking or hey, maybe if I'm lucky, loitering or a purse snatching. You have a great day."

Joss started to push past Fusco but he grabbed her firmly by the shoulder.

"I'm serious, Carter. Captain wants you in there because you were all over that case. You know it better than anyone else."

"Fusco, why is he here and not up in the Bronx?"

"We want you to get first crack at him."

Carter rolled her eyes and headed inside as Fusco looked around, making sure no one had heard their exchange. She grabbed a pen and notebook from Fusco's desk, made herself a coffee and headed down the hallway in a huff. She had crawled into bed just before four a.m. and had been hoping for a quiet shift. Interrogating this guy was the last thing she wanted to deal with first thing in the morning. She opened the door without looking, pushing it inwards with her hip, and walked inside.

"I'll tell you right now, this better be worth my time because I haven't even had my coffee yet."

Taking a long sip she turned around and stopped dead in her tracks, gripping her coffee cup before it slipped from her hands. The look of shock on her face quickly turned to that of annoyance as she hissed.

"John, what the hell are you doing in here? Are you crazy! What if one of the HR guys sees you?"

He sat with his long legs crossed, one foot resting on the other knee, slumped back and relaxed as if he were at home on his couch watching a Knicks game. Gone was his usual suit, replaced with dark jeans and a perfectly fitted black polo shirt. Joss caught her breath as her eyes wandered over the taut lean muscle of his shoulders and arms, continuing down to his firm chest. Her gaze landed just above his waistband on the soft expanse of his belly, the spot she often imagined her hands splayed across, tugging his shirt free from his trousers.

Plastered to his face was his signature smirk that always made Joss glower on the outside but secretly melt into a hot mush on the inside. He looked up at her under his thick lashes and Joss felt the familiar warmth and tingle spread from her head down to her toes. He was the only person in the world who could get under her skin like that. The feelings he ignited in her, excitement, arousal, exasperation and annoyance, all fought for attention.

"So, am I in trouble?"

He stared at her, his blue eyes intense and blazing a path straight to her core. She could feel them burning on her skin as his gaze lingered on her mouth and back up to her eyes. They were mesmerizing and for a brief moment she was lost in them, her tongue sliding out to wet her lips as she fought to look away and maintain her composure.

His face turned suddenly serious, watching her closely for a response, but Joss was in no mood to play games today, not even with John. She quickly shook herself mentally to return to reality, cursing silently that she had once again let him distract her and sidetrack her thoughts. She was drained, any other time this might have amused her, and she was pissed off that he would have the audacity to show up there knowing the place was crawling with HR minions.

"Don't worry, Joss. No one saw me."

Joss gave him a bright big toothless smile but there was no humor in her eyes, only contempt.

"What do you want, John? I was up all night and I'm really not in the mood for your bullshit right now. Go ask Fusco for help."

"You do know what today is, right, Carter?"

John continued to stare, tapping his long lean fingers on the table, ignoring her growing aggravation. He patiently waited for her to realize the significance of the date on the calendar. The rhythm of his fingers was hypnotic. Joss had admired those large hands so many times; she blushed, remembering some of the things she imagined them doing. To her. With her. For two years it had been a constant battle of will to conceal her emotions and longings while in his presence. It was a dueling battle within herself, her mind versus her heart, and her mind remained undefeated.

Joss had a look of genuine confusion on her face when he mentioned the day. John could see the wheels spinning in her head, as she furrowed her brows, trying to make sense of what he was saying, but her face remained blank as she drained her coffee cup.

"You really have no idea, do you? I'm disappointed in you, Joss. It's our anniversary, sweetheart!"

Joss sputtered the coffee out her mouth when she heard the last word he said. Her eyes flew wide open and she was suddenly wide awake, the word having more effect on her than caffeine ever could.

"I'm sorry, our what, John?"

"It's August 22nd. Have you forgotten already?"

His smirk softened into a warm smile and his smug confidence momentarily evaporated, replaced by an endearing vulnerability that she didn't fail to miss flicker across his face.

"It was two years ago today that I had that fateful fight on the subway with Anton and I was brought to you. My life changed forever the day that I met you, Joss. You offered me unconditional support and kindness, no strings attached, and if it weren't for you I probably wouldn't have accepted the job with Finch. I'll never forget what you did for me. I took today off to spend it with you. It's been a while since we sat down and talked."

John had missed her dreadfully in the past months; the emptiness inside him from her absence was profound. It had been his doing, there was no one else to blame, but something deep inside had been urging him lately to make things right. He was unsure if she'd forgive him, understand where he had been coming from, but he desperately wanted to try. He sensed that Joss's fight with HR was coming to a boiling point, feared that she might finally be in over her head, and he wanted to make sure that things were okay between them again. He needed her to know, to believe, that he was still there for her like always. She was never alone.

Joss's stomach fluttered when he spoke of that day two years ago, the day that her life as she knew it was turned upside down. Many would probably say it was changed for the worse but she would quickly argue that John had brought something special into it, besides for the constant headaches he gave her. He never failed to challenge her and keep her on her toes but most of all it warmed her heart to know that someone was looking out for her and her son, even if she could take care of herself just fine.

She knew she could probably take the day off if she wanted, tell them she was going home sick or needed to pick up Taylor, but there was something about spending the day with John that was making her nervous. Things hadn't been the same between them for months, she wasn't sure at times if there was even anything left to their friendship. The bond between them had been reduced to just a thread and even though she longed to strengthen it again, the timing wasn't right. Joss knew John would start grilling her about HR and he would have questions for her that she wasn't prepared to answer.

"John, it's a sweet gesture and all, but I can't take the day off at the last minute. I have no one to cover for me. Maybe, we can go get a drink when I'm done later. I can't get away now."

"Yes, you can. Fusco already arranged for someone to fill in for you with your newest rookie. So go grab your bag and we're getting out of here. No more excuses. I'll meet you across the street in the subway station in a few."

Joss began to protest but Fusco popped his head in and said "see ya tomorrow Carter. Enjoy your day off with Wonder Boy. Don't know who you pissed off to get stuck with him all day!"

* * *

Joss walked down the front steps of the precinct a few minutes later, looking around nervously, but like most Sundays it was relatively quiet. She crossed the street and headed down the stairs of the busy subway station, quickly finding John standing by the subway map on the far wall. His hands jammed in his front pockets and his back to her, Joss couldn't help but stop for a moment to admire the sight in front of her. She ran her eyes from the salt and pepper hair that grazed the collar of his shirt, down the curve of his back, over his rear and down his long lean legs. John turned around quickly with a huge grin on his face.

"I'm over here, Carter" he quipped.

She rolled her eyes at him and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Where are we going, John?"

"First thing's first, Joss. Hand over your phone. Both of them."

He put his hand out and she reluctantly handed over both her regular phone and the burner. John took the batteries out of both and did the same to his own. Dropping them all into Joss's handbag, he gave her a satisfied smile.

"Perfect, no one to interrupt us. We are officially off the grid for a few hours. Fusco and Shaw have us covered for the day. Let's get going."

He grabbed her hand and tugged her through the turnstiles towards the Brooklyn bound D train.

"We're taking the subway? Where exactly are we going, John? John!"

The train roared into the station and John ushered Joss through the door at the end of the car. Holding onto the vertical bar, the crowd pressed them against each other and Joss found herself awkwardly sandwiched into the soft spot right under his shoulder. Towering over her, he protectively wrapped his free arm around her waist as they were jostled about. Leaning his head down so they could hear each other, she felt encased in a secure pocket, a cushioned enclosure filled with the familiar smoky spices of his cologne that brought with it the assurance of safety. As the train screeched around curves, Joss tried to keep her focus as she continued to prod John with questions.

"Where's your man-in-the-suit uniform today, John. Getting it dry-cleaned?"

"No uniform today, Joss. Today I'm just John. Just like I was 2 years ago. Besides, I'd look out of place where we're going."

"And again, John, where exactly is that?"

"When I was growing up, Joss, I always wanted to go to Coney Island. I'd see it in movies, on television, and there was something unique about it. In all the years I've been in New York City, I still haven't made it out there."

"John, did someone knock you in the head last night? Were you in a fight? Are you feeling okay? You've been to Coney Island. We've been to Coney Island together. You do remember Yogorov and Elias, right? I've been there more times than I would have liked."

"I mean the real Coney Island, Joss. The beach, the boardwalk, the hotdogs and the Steeple Chase. You know, the place normal people go for fun."

Joss was still shaking her head in disbelief as they ascended the stairs into the bright midday sun. They crossed the street and headed towards the amusement park. It was packed full of people, young and old, enjoying one of the nicest days of the summer so far. Making their way through the crowds, the familiar smells of the boardwalk hit them. Cotton candy, hot dogs, and funnel cake mixed in with the salty breeze blowing off the ocean.

"So you brought me all the way down here for a Nathan's hotdog, John?"

"Oh no Detective, I brought you here for that!"

He pointed up at the world famous Cyclone roller coaster.

"No way, John. Don't you think we're a bit too old for kids' rides?"

Crossing her arms she shook her head vehemently. She silently cursed the nervousness in her snicker.

"Do I sense some fear in that voice? Since when does anything scare Detective Jocelyn Carter? I'm shocked. C'mon!"

No way was Joss going to let John in on her secret that she was absolutely terrified of roller coasters. It was bad enough that Taylor still teased her about the time she left her lunch on Space Mountain but she wasn't giving John the satisfaction. She reluctantly followed him to the line. Looking up at the looming structure, she nervously bit her bottom lip, trying to ward off the panic that was setting in. Standing behind a group of excited children, her face went pale as she watched the cars travel up and down the wooden tracks. John was right that nothing much scared her in life. Nothing much except putting her safety in a little box on wheels that was careening up and down a narrow track. Their turn came to get on and John pulled her into the seat next to him.

"Hold on tight, Detective!"

If her hands hadn't already been clamped tightly around the safety bar, she would have wiped that grin right off his face. The knot in her stomach tightened and her heart pounded as they jerked forward. As the car began its slow ascent to the top, Joss opened one of her eyes she had pressed shut and glanced over at John. Her anger quickly faded and she smiled tenderly at the expression on his face. It was one of sheer excitement and delight, a rarity for him. She could see the little boy who had always fantasized of coming here. The innocent child whose kind and giving heart still beat within the grown man beside her. It was on few occasions that she got a glimpse of that John. The relaxed and carefree John who had yet to witness the senseless death and carnage of the military. The unguarded and trusting John that had yet to be poisoned by the evils of the CIA. The John who had a future of endless possibilities and dreams. Joss wanted so badly for him to believe, just as she did, that he was still that man. Her thoughts were quickly interrupted, however, as the car plummeted down the long eighty-five foot drop and all she could hear were her own screams.

"Damn you John…"

* * *

"Next, we're going on the Wonder Wheel!"

"John, that takes over half an hour to go around."

"Perfect, gives us time to talk."

As they boarded the massive ferris wheel, they sat down next to each other and it soon lurched upwards. It was a beautiful clear day; the view of multicolored beach umbrellas and seagulls flying along the ocean surf on the left was a contrast to the sleek city skyline on the right. John took a moment to gather his thoughts, fiddling with the paper ticket in his hands. He didn't want to upset Joss or push her away any further. He knew that their friendship, the relationship he treasured more than life itself, had been dangling perilously on the edge lately and all he wanted was to pull it, along with her, back into safety.

A few minutes later, he broke the awkward silence. His voice was barely more than a whisper but, as the boisterous crowds on the boardwalk below disappeared from view, Joss heard him clearly.

"So Joss, it's been a while since we sat down and talked. I miss it. I miss you. I don't like not knowing what's going on with your life and I hate that you've been avoiding me lately. "

Joss turned her head and looked at him incredulously.

"Wait John, you, you John Reese are accusing me, ME, of avoiding YOU?"

She laughed at the irony of his statement and shook her head in disbelief, looking away.

Realizing the conversation was not getting off to a good start, John gently cupped her cheek, turning her face back to his, and locked his eyes with hers.

"Joss, I didn't bring you here to argue and fight or make accusations. Let me start over, okay? Please."

She stared back at him, the worry on his face and sincerity in his eyes underlined his urgency. She took a deep breath and nodded, allowing him to continue.

"Joss, I meant what I said to you earlier about today being special to me, that I'll never forget it. When I realized that the day was approaching, I knew it was the perfect time, a good opportunity for me to finally gather the courage to talk to you. I'm just sorry that it's taken this long for me to do it. Words don't always come easy for me, you know that, but this time I need to find them. You mean the world to me and I'm scared that you're slowly slipping away. I can't lose you. I want things to be good between us again. I want you to trust me and know that I've always got your back."

Joss appreciated the honesty in his words and was aware of the tremendous effort it took for him to express his feelings verbally. However, if they were to move forward she needed answers. She needed to hear him say why he had pushed her away, explain his reasoning. She was fairly certain that she knew what the answer would be and, although she didn't agree with it, she needed him to say it. More importantly, she needed him to know how wrong his decision had been and wanted to know why he felt so compelled to do it.

"I don't know what happened between us, John. How and why we let ourselves drift so far apart. I don't know what's happened to me either. I feel like a completely different person. I don't even know who I am sometimes and it scares me.

When Donnelly held you at Rikers, I was so terrified that he had finally caught you. He was so crazed and desperate to capture 'the man in the suit' but when we were alone in that interrogation room, I forgot all of that. I forgot he was watching. It was just the two of us in there, nobody else, and we made a connection. I felt it; it was real. You opened up to me in a way you never did before. I saw a side of you that you had always kept hidden. I wasn't imagining that, it happened John. I know that everything you told me in there was true. I risked my life and career because I believed in you. I told you then and I'll tell you again now. You're a good man.

It was my fault that Donnelly was killed. I know he had it in for you but he was a good agent and was just doing his job. I was a military interrogator. I've been trained to keep my emotions in check but I let them show that day. Seeing you beaten in that prison yard was more than I could handle. I broke. If I hadn't, he wouldn't have followed us and he'd still be alive today. I still carry that guilt with me.

And then there was Kara. Your psychopathic ex-partner. Your ex-lover. I still have scars on my shoulder from when she almost killed us. She strapped a bomb vest on you, John. A fucking bomb vest! I genuinely thought you were going to die up in that building. I was so terrified that I was going to lose you. It broke my heart to walk away from you, to watch you sacrifice yourself and not let me help. And then when it was all over I had no idea what happened to you. I waited, figuring you'd call to let me know you were okay. See how I was. But days turned to weeks and then into months. I had to find out from Finch that you were alright. After everything we'd been though, you didn't even have the decency to check in with me. You literally disappeared out of my life, vanished. After promising to always look out for me, to never leave me alone, you did just that and shut me out."

Kara Stanton. John had thought he'd seen the last of her that night in Ordos. She had haunted him for years in his dreams but her visits had become less frequent, which he credited Joss for. When she finally returned she brought back with her all the demons he'd successfully subdued for years. In his mind, it was a never ending battle between Joss and Kara. The good man versus the darkness.

"Joss, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the time at Rikers if you hadn't been there. Your presence calmed me and reminded me that I wasn't in there alone. That night when I got out and we met down by the water, all I wanted to do was pull you into my arms and tell you how much you mean to me. To finally show you how much I care for you, how special you are. But, I hated myself for what you did for me, lying to the Feds and risking everything for someone who didn't deserve it. I certainly didn't deserve you.

You are not to blame for what happened to Donnelly. That lies solely on me. It was my past catching up with me again. After Kara ambushed us and took me, I realized that I couldn't keep you safe. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't protect you because I was the one bringing the darkness into your world. I was the one you needed protection from. You scared me to death when you clung to me in that hallway, refusing to leave. Unlike me, you had so much to lose. You have a family that needs you; I have no one. It was at that moment that I knew I had to stay away, allow you the life you deserved. When Harold told me how you'd swapped my DNA, I knew for certain I had made the right choice. It was just a matter of time before another one of my enemies would come after me and pull you into my mess. I wasn't about to let that happen."

"John, when will you get it into your thick head that I'm not some child in need of protection? I'm a cop and I will make my own decisions, not you. I don't need you or anybody else telling me what is best for me. I'm the one who knows what's best for me. And you're wrong, you know. You are needed. I need you. Whether you like it or not, I want you in my life. You don't get to decide that. You don't get to decide how my heart feels."

John couldn't wrap his head around the idea that the woman sitting next to him needed and wanted him in her life. The beautiful, bright, confident and loving Jocelyn Carter could be sitting next to her choice of any man but she chose him. He would never understand, never be worthy, but he also knew he could never stay away. From the very beginning, he was drawn to her like a magnet. It was an inexplicable force that kept pulling him back for more. His need for her could never be sated.

"I thought about you every single day, Joss. Although you didn't see or hear from me, I was never far away. I knew Finch and Fusco were keeping tabs on you and that you were safe. I'm sorry that I hurt you; it wasn't my intention but I had to keep you safe. I needed you to be safe. I know now, that's impossible. I can't keep you in some bubble but at the time it was the right thing to do. The only thing. I will never stop protecting you."

Joss was not happy with John's unapologetic and overbearing need to protect her but she at least now knew for certain what had happened, what had been going through his mind. She knew that his need to keep her safe ran a lot deeper than just a responsibility to safeguard her like he would any other person. Yet, it still annoyed her to no extent and she would never stop fighting him over it. Her stubborn head would never yield to his.

"John, when I called you for help with Fusco, I was desperate for you to tell me what to do. You were such an asshole to me. I was terrified that night and you could have cared less. Never in my life had I felt so lonely and betrayed. First, by my own partner who killed Stills. Then by you. I was left to clean up Fusco's dirty past and risk my own life for his mistakes. I became someone else that night, the kind of person I've always hated."

"Lionel didn't kill Stills."

John swallowed hard and prepared himself for the fallout that was sure to follow. If they were going to make a clean slate, truly trust each other again, he had to come clean.

"What do you mean Fusco didn't kill him?"

Joss didn't need an answer. The look on John's face spoke volumes. Guilt. Shame. Regret. It was the same look she had seen when Donnelly had caught them together. He stared at his feet, avoiding the disappointment he knew lay in her eyes. Of all the people in the world, disappointing Joss tore him apart the most.

"Stills wasn't a good guy, Joss; he deserved what he got. But for what it's worth, it was in self-defense; he was about to kill an innocent man. I used Fusco's gun in order to force him into helping me with HR. I'm sorry, Joss. That day when you called, I should have helped. You never should have had to move that body by yourself and I'm disgusted that I let you. There were issues going on with Finch and how we get our information. Issues going on with me too. I should have been honest but I wanted you to realize that Fusco is no different from me. You were able to look past the mistakes I made, even when you shouldn't have, and your partner deserved the same respect. You call me a good man. Well Fusco's a good man too."

John reached up to wipe away the tears that had escaped from her eyes and she pressed her cheek to his palm.

Joss stared out her side at the view, contemplating all that had been said. She wasn't angry at John's admission; she was angry with herself for how blind she'd been from the truth. Another truth dawned on her, not only had Fusco found himself in a bad situation like John, but what she did to help Fusco was no different from the illegal activities she often scolded John about. The realization, that they were more alike than they were different, startled her but it helped to form the beginning of a bridge. A bridge they so desperately needed.

"You're wrong too, you know. You are the same person, Joss, that you were two years ago. You're kind. You have a huge heart and no matter what you might think, your moral compass still points in the right direction. You're still able to differentiate good from evil."

She gave John a small understanding smile and then slowly lowered her head onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her tightly and leaned his chin on her head. There was no more need for words. Although neither of them would ever fully agree with the other, an understanding had been formed. As they sat for the remainder of the ride in silence, his fingers loosely laced through hers, a chunk of that wall between them had crumbled away.

* * *

"So now what, Joss? We can see the bearded lady in the freak show, I can find another ride to terrorize you on or we can have ice cream under the boardwalk. If you're lucky I'll do my rendition of "Under the Boardwalk" just like in "Beaches."

"Beaches, John. You've seen Beaches? Really?"

Joss burst out laughing at the thought of John belting out songs from the Bette Midler movie. The man never ceased to surprise her. John grinned, relieved to see the somber mood break.

They sat barefoot on the sand, in the shade of the boardwalk, eating their ice cream cones and watching the eclectic mass of people enjoying the beautiful summer day. With all the hustle and bustle around them, there was also a calming peace from the sound of the waves.

"You know, I'd never take you for a boring vanilla guy."

"Joss, this isn't just vanilla. It's French vanilla. There's a distinct difference. Nothing boring about it.

Here, try it."

Joss hesitated as John pressed his shoulder against hers and stared into her eyes waiting, the cone hovering inches from her mouth.

He had leaned into a thin beam of sunlight that filtered through the wooden boards above. She was mesmerized as it danced over his face, illuminating his features one by one as he moved. She followed its path from John's windblown salt and pepper hair, around the subtle laugh lines of his eyes that flashed a bright blue and down his smooth cheeks to the soft smile on his lips.

When she still didn't move, John slowly traced her lips with the ice cream, leaving a creamy path in its wake. Before she could begin to lick it off, John dropped his head down, his lips poised over hers. Joss's eyes fluttered closed in anticipation and he very slowly and sensuously kissed her.

He had fantasized of this moment countless times, dreamed about it and imagined the various places and ways it would happen. The sweet taste of her mouth, the pillowy softness of her full lips, the hypnotic scent of jasmine.

There was no urgency as he gently pressed his lips to hers. It was a subtle pursuit for consent, confirmation that she wanted him too. The kiss wasn't demanding; it was a soft feather teasing her mouth, a tantalizing journey through her senses. They were immediately heightened and took notice. The spice of his cologne, his sweet warm breath, the pure scent of his skin. The sugar on his lips. The heavy breathing, his mouth sucking gently at her lip. The warmth, the silky softness.

She could feel the heat in her rising as he lightly swept his mouth over hers and delicately ran his tongue around her lips, leaving no spot untouched. A slight pressure coaxed them apart and he dipped his tongue inside so quickly that she would have thought she'd imagined it, if it hadn't been for the lingering taste of vanilla. As he pulled away, she immediately missed their warmth, feeling bare and exposed.

Joss looked at him sideways and ran her thumb slowly over her lips. The kiss had been brief and tender but he had taken complete possession of her mouth, left her completely and fully satisfied. The smile peeking from behind her finger and the sparkle in her large brown eyes were assurance he had read her correctly.

"See Joss, the French know their ice-cream, among other things. Tell me that wasn't amazing?"

"That was amazing, John. The ice-cream was pretty good too."

John could feel the flush building in his cheeks as Joss mentally patted herself on the back with a smirk.

After they finished their cones, John threw the garbage out and sat back down next to Joss on the sand.

"So, where did you hide him Joss?"

Joss knew that 'him' could be no one other than Carl Elias. She'd been dreading having to tell John that she had saved the life of the man who had once tried to kill her and kidnapped her son. She despised the life Elias had chosen but the cop in her couldn't let Yogorov and HR kill him in cold blood. Besides, he was much more valuable to her alive than dead and had proven to be useful in her fight with HR. If she had her way, all organized crime bosses would be eliminated from the city, but if she had to pick her poison, it would definitely be the principled and old school Elias. Unlike many of her 'upstanding coworkers', he at least was loyal to his own and had a strict code of ethics.

"I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet, John. How'd you know, anyway?"

"I knew by the tone of your voice when you called me that there was no way you'd let HR and the Russians get to him. You're too good of a cop to let that happen. Besides, I figured you probably view him as a valuable asset. Elias has his worth, Joss, but after all he did to you, to Taylor, I have no sympathy for him and don't expect me to protect him. I still don't trust him for a second and I know you're smart enough to do the same."

"I'm not stupid, John. I know that at the end of the day all Elias is concerned with is himself. I'll never lose sight of that. But for now, he's mine. I need you to trust me."

"I do trust your judgment, but watch your back with him."

"I will. I always do."

"C'mon, let's go for a walk."

* * *

They walked along the surf in silence until they were past the lifeguard towers where the crowd of sunbathers began to thin out. John skimmed the occasional rock along the water, his brow in a knot, deep in thought.

"Finch and I have known about your side project with HR for a while. Joss, you're a good cop and an even better person. I know how important it is for them to pay for what they did to Szymanski and Beecher but you're playing with fire and you're bound to get burned.

Take it from me Joss, revenge is not the answer. It doesn't change things, doesn't make things right again. If anything, you end up feeling worse because it turns you into someone you're not. Don't make the same mistake I did. "

"It's not about revenge. HR has been poisoning the NYPD for years and it has to end. They're everywhere now, every part of the police force you can imagine. Their ties to the Russians are going to cripple this city eventually. I'm so close to having all the evidence I need to bring them down. You once told me to trust you, John, and now I'm asking the same of you. I need you to let me do what needs to be done."

"Where's Taylor, Joss?"

"He's somewhere safe."

"And where exactly would that be?" he pressed.

"Taylor's with his father in New Jersey. It's hard for me to believe sometimes but Paul's changed. He made a huge effort to deal with his PTSD in recent years and he really seems to have his act together. He wants to make an effort to be a part of Taylor's life. I need him to be there for him."

"Why, Joss? In case you can't be there for him?"

Joss stared down at the water pooling around her ankles. She knew that everything he was saying was true. She wanted to make sure that if things didn't turn out in her favor, Taylor would be taken care of. She needed that assurance.

"Be honest with me, Joss. You know this isn't going to end well and you're tying up loose ends. Is avenging your boyfriend's death worth your son losing his mother? Is it? Think about it, Joss. Did Beecher mean that much to you that you're willing to let Taylor bury you?"

The bitterness in John's voice, as he spoke of Beecher, cut right through her.

"You don't know anything, John."

She could see the resentment simmering in his eyes. His insistence that Beecher's death had incited her campaign against HR shocked and upset her. Never had he been so wrong. Suddenly, the wide expanse of sand and ocean closed in on her and she felt herself desperate for room to breathe. She instinctively turned and began walking further down the beach towards a small rock jetty.

Joss sat down on one of the large smooth rocks and closed her eyes as the strong ocean breeze whipped around her. She was relieved John had given her a moment to herself and hadn't chased after her; she needed a chance to collect her thoughts before something she'd regret spilled from her lips.

After a few minutes, Joss looked back and made eye contact with John and he began to make his way towards her. She smiled at him, communicating without words always came so naturally to them. It was an intuitive understanding they'd shared since they first began working together.

Joss knew that she needed to set John straight on what had happened with Beecher and HR in general. It wasn't fair to lash out at him when she had kept him in the dark for so long.

John sat down next to her on the rock and gently tucked her twirling pieces of hair behind her ear. He took her hand between his and caressed the back, swirling tiny circles with his thumb. Holding it tightly he spoke softly to her.

"I'm sorry about Beecher, Joss. I should have been there for you and I wasn't. He was a good man and I know he meant a lot to you. I know how it feels to lose someone you love but please never forget that no matter what you do, you won't be able to bring him back."

"John, what happened with Cal, it hurt a lot. He didn't deserve to bleed out in some stairwell but he wasn't my boyfriend and I certainly didn't love him. There was nothing special between me and Cal. I think, with everything that was going on in my life, I craved the normalcy he brought. My fight against HR isn't about me and Cal. It never was. Cal was nothing but a distraction. I thought he could stop me from thinking of you. It didn't work."

John took a deep breath of the salty air and stared out at the tankers on the horizon for a moment. He couldn't help but feel relieved by Joss's admission that she didn't have feelings for Cal. He'd felt as if his death had been hanging over them for months, convinced that Joss had been struggling to let go, just as he once had with Jessica.

"Listen Joss, I promise I won't stand in your way. I won't try to stop you or intervene. I respect you too much and I'll do as you ask. But I want you to know that I'm terrified something is going to happen to you. I can't lose you, Joss. You mean too much to me and I need you. I know I have no right saying that, feeling it, but I do."

Joss reached up and cupped his cheek, turning his face towards her. She stared at him intently until his eyes finally raised and met hers.

"John, you're not this monster that you think you are. I don't think you realize the influence Kara had on you. She wormed her way into your head and convinced you that you're someone you're not. But I'm gonna worm my way in there too and kick her ass out."

He chuckled and smiled at her tenderly, pulling her hand to his mouth and gently kissing her soft palm.

"You're already in there, Joss. Some days you win and some days you don't. You're the complete antithesis of her, you know. She was cold, heartless, and pure evil but you have a huge heart. You're so loving and you see the best in everyone."

John lifted Joss onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly. She burrowed her face into the crook of his neck and closed her eyes, content for the first time in months. With one hand around the back of his shoulders, she slowly slid the other over the planes of his chest until it came to rest on his beating heart. She felt safe in his arms and for just a brief instance the whole world seemed to disappear and all that mattered was the two of them there together.

She slowly moved her hand up from his back and tunneled her fingers through the soft hair at the nape of his neck. Drawing his face up to hers, she kissed him, fully and thoroughly. She poured every ounce of love she could gather into his lips, wanting him to go home with no doubts of how she felt.

Unlike John's brief kiss earlier, this time there was no hesitation as they clung to each other. There was no holding back as the heat surged between them, their pent up longings bursting free after years of suppression.

Joss clutched his cheek with her hand, holding his face firmly to hers. They sucked at each other, bumping noses as they fought to get even closer, devouring each other's lips. She ran her tongue along the seam of John's mouth, prying it apart and demanding entrance.

The kiss continued to intensify, their hunger insatiable as their tongues fought for dominance. They explored every curve and dip of their mouths, savoring the flavor, the silky smoothness of their tongues, the heat. Their swollen lips greedily begged for more, unwilling to surrender.

They reluctantly broke apart, panting and gasping for air. Joss leaned her forehead down on John's, still cradling his face in her hands. Whispering his name into the wind, she kissed him softly on the lips.

He brushed his lips sweetly over her cheekbones and down to the sensitive spot behind her ear. Twirling his tongue, she moaned as he made his way along her jaw and down her neck where he stopped at her collar bone and planted a kiss. He sighed her name against her skin and looked up at her with hooded eyes, a look that made her stomach flip. She couldn't recall any man ever looking at her with such love and desire in his eyes.

The pure bliss she was wrapped in slowly faded and she bit her lower lip, not wanting to verbalize the inevitable.

"I want you John, so much, but not until all this is over. I need to ask you something. I need you to stay away from me. Far away. I can't have any of HR seeing us together or suspecting we work together. I'm sorry but it has to be this way for now. If they see us together, connect us in any way, then all the work I've done is for nothing."

He wasn't surprised by her words, knew she was right, but it hurt nonetheless to hear them. Burrowing his nose in her hair, he took a deep breath, memorizing her scent and committing it to memory until she could be in his arms again. Pressing his lips softly against her temple, he made her a promise. A promise they both needed to hear.

"I'll wait for you forever, Joss, as long as it takes. I'll always be here and I'm only a phone call away if you need something. I won't stop looking out for you, though."

They sat there on the rock, wrapped in each other's embrace, staring out at the waves. As painful as it would be to part, they both felt a heavy weight had been lifted from them. Their individual lives were still the same. Joss was planning to stake out an HR meeting that night and John knew another number was on the horizon. But all of that felt a little bit more manageable knowing that at least one part of their lives, the most important part, had been set right again.

"I should go, John. Thank you for today, for being brave enough to take the first step. I needed it. We both did and I think of all the days in the year, this was the best one to do it on."

"Thank you for trusting me and coming, Joss. Today was everything I wanted it to be. More than I could have hoped for."

"I should get going now."

"Five more minutes, though, okay?"

"Five more minutes, John."


End file.
